May all who enter find stillness enough to hear themselves again
Chapter One: My Story
My story begins with a dark childhood filled with trauma and abuse. So dark that if I told you exactly what all it entailed you wouldn’t believe me. On the surface, however, my family looked like the “American dream.” Nice house, cars. We had it all. We used money to cover up and hide the truth of what was going on behind closed doors.
Like most trauma survivors, to survive I blocked the abuse from my conscious memory. But the trauma buried in my subconscious mind ruled every part of my being. I used dissociation to survive the trauma. Dissociation became my way of life. I grew up lacking all sense of self: self worth, self love, self-confidence, self-awareness. I grew up completely dissociated and shut down. I was beyond damaged. I was unable to give or receive love. So I spent my entire life trying to prove that I wasn’t worthless. I became a perfectionist and over achiever. I had to prove to the world that I was someone of value even though I was dead inside.
My path to spiritual awakening... In college, I began my healing journey and started tearing down the walls of the prison around my heart. I had my first, all be it vague, memory of my childhood abuse. This memory moved me to get help. I took my first step toward recovery through traditional talk therapy. I spent years and years in therapy, and eventually joined an abuse support group. I had participated in the support group for two years when I had a major breakthrough. I realized I was stuck. All the members of the support group, including myself, just kept rehashing our traumas, never moving forward. We were stuck in the role of victim. Although I didn’t realize it at the time, leaving my support group was my first step towards self empowerment. I left that support group, and vowed to stop living my life as a victim. I dedicated myself to moving on. My next addiction? Self help books. I began reading every self help book, every surviving trauma book, I could get my hands on.
While each of these tools helped me progress along my healing path, I realized that “analyzing and talking about the trauma and all the experiences connected to the trauma” could only progress me so far. I realized that healing my trauma “mentally” wasn’t enough. The key to healing trauma that completely changed my life is tuning inwards and feeling the feelings, both emotionally and physically within the physical body. We often spend our entire lives running from and avoiding our feelings. I am here to tell you, the most vital, the most crucial tool to change your life forever is this…FEEL THE FEELINGS.
I spent my whole life staying obsessively busy, over achieving, all so I wouldn’t have to stop and feel the feelings, all so I could keep the dark feelings associated with my childhood trauma buried deep, out of mind. I did all this to avoid my Dark Night of the Soul, where the trauma is brought out into the light. It wasn’t until I started meditating daily, and using other tools such as yoga that I was able to “sit still” long enough that my demons were able to come to the surface. It can be beyond scary to face our buried traumas, to stop and feel the emotions and physical symptoms of the trauma stored in our body. But feeling and releasing the feelings is the only way to true freedom!